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Irish Humor

Growing up in Ireland we often heard our parents use a variety of phrases to get their point across. They had such wisdom, but often, we didn’t quite get it. However with the years passed and we reflect on those words and recognize their wisdom. Even the old man who travelled the roads had such eloquence that you’d think he attended one of the fine colleges.

Read down thru these examples, you just might find a few you can use!

1. For every mile of road there are two miles of ditches
Meaning: There are two sides to every story. (This comes from some parts of Ireland, where 'ditches' means hedges.)

2. There's no use boiling your cabbage twice
Meaning: Stop going over and over worries in your head because it solves nothing.

3. The older the fiddle the sweeter the tune
Meaning: Things and people improve over time.

4. A woman planted feathers in the dunkel and thought she'd grow hens
Meaning: Just because you 'thought' something would work doesn't mean you were right.

5. It's often that a man's mouth broke his nose
Meaning: Watch what you say because it could get you in trouble.

6. As the old cock crows the young cock learns
Meaning: Children learn by example.

7. If there was work in the bed he'd sleep on the floor
Meaning: Used to describe people who are very lazy.

8. No need to fear the ill wind when your haystacks are tied down
Meaning: Once you've prepared properly then there's no need to worry the outcome.

9. The longest road out is the shortest road home
Meaning: If you invest time and effort into something then it will pay off in the latter end.

10. You'll arrive back with one arm as long as the other
Meaning: You heading out on a thankless quest. You'll arrive back with nothing to show for it.

11. You'll never plough a field by turning it over in your mind
Meaning: Merely thinking about something won't get it done.

12. He didn't lick it off a stone
Meaning: People’s actions are influenced by those around them.

13. I wouldn't call the Queen my aunt
Meaning: Being in such a contented mood that even becoming royalty couldn't improve upon it.

14. What I'm afraid to hear I had better say first myself
Meaning: One must be honest and wary of their own shortcomings.

15. Now you know you're home
Meaning: You're in a happy state.

16. It's a long road there's no turn in
Meaning: No matter how bad the situation is things always change.

17. Telephone, telegraph, tell a woman
Meaning: The three best ways to spread news. Back before the days of the internet.

18. An empty sack does not stand
Meaning: Bluffers and ignorance will always be found out.
Or An empty stomach cannot work
Another : A full sack cannot bend
Meaning: I just ate, I can’t go back to work for a few.

19. Even black hens lay white eggs
Meaning: You should never judge a book by its cover.

20. The road to Heaven is well signposted, but it's badly lit at night
Meaning: Life has many challenges but the reward is good.

21. It's as easy to catch a cold in a King's castle as in a shepherd's hut
Meaning: Wealth doesn't protect you from the trials of life.

22. It's better to pay the butcher than the doctor
Meaning: Don't skimp on healthy food as it will cost you your health in the long run.

23. A lamb's bleat is often more telling than a dog's bark
Meaning: Subtlety and a quiet approach can be more beneficial than brute force and loudness.

24. A broken man is better than no man
Meaning: Having any man is better than being alone

25. No matter how many rooms you have in your house you can only sleep in the one bed
Meaning: Possessions are not what they're made out to be.

26. It's a lonely washing that has no man's shirt in it
Meaning: ..... Ermm ... Come ladies figure out this on and let us know !!!


Paddy was driving down the motorway between Naas and Dublin, 
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 
"Paddy , I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on M1. P
"Hell," said Paddy , "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!" 


1. Runners
This one seems like sound Irish logic to me. What do you do when you put on your sports shoes?...You run! Therefore your sneakers shall be known as runners.

2. Hotpress
Again, this seems totally logical to the Irish mind. The hotpress is the airing cupboard where you might store sheets and towels, located next to the boiler. So therefore it is a press (cupboard) which is hot.

3. Gum boil/Mouth ulcer
Now, here’s where the office staff start to wince. The American name for this painful little spot on your tongue or gums is a canker sore. We’ve all decided that that sounds far worse that a gum boil, so we’re going to stick with the Irish terminology on this one.

4. Yoke
You would use this in a sentence like: “Do you know the yoke you use to make coffee?" See, it’s simple. The Irish appear to be noun-deficient and have many words that can be used to replace nouns. For example “Where did I put that thingamabob?"

5. Jumper
No, this is not someone who has hurled themselves off a building. It’s simply a sweater, not to be confused by a jumpsuit. Made famous by the Irish song “Where’s my Jumper?” by The Sultans of Ping FC.

6. Chipper
Mostly frequented after a night of gargle (alcohol), a chipper is a take-away place that sells chips (French fries), fish, battered sausages and other fried foods.

7. Footpath
Americans call it a sidewalk, but in Ireland it’s called a footpath. This is quite simply a path for your feet.

8. Boot
Not the variety of shoes that go on your feet. A boot is the trunk of a car. The place where your spare tire, groceries and other bulky items go. A common command as an Irish child was to “pop the boot."

9. Ride
In Ireland, a ride usually refers to an attractive person, male or female. It is not when your friend offers you a lift to the shop.

10. Stuffed
Perhaps referring to taxidermy, when an Irish person says they are ‘stuffed’ it means they have had their fill of food.

"A bloke is walking down the road and he is watching these two Irish workman. One is digging a hole and the other is coming up behind him and filling it up. Bemused by this, he watches them do it 3 or 4 times. By the 6th time he walks up to the men and asks what they are doing. The Irish men reply "Well, there is normally 3 of us, but the guy who plants the trees is off today."


Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade next when his telephone rang. "Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! Tell me, how big is your army?"

"At this moment in time," said Paddy after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbour Gerry, and the entire darts team from the pub-that makes 8!"

Saddam sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have 1 million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begorra!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day Paddy rang back. "Right Mr.Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!" "And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked. "Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm."

Once more Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16 thousand tanks, 14 thousand armored personnel carriers, and my army has increased to1 and a half million since we last spoke."

"Really?!" said Paddy "I'll have to ring you back!"

Paddy rang again the next day. "Right Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Ted's ultralight with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the bridge team has joined us as well!"
Saddam was silent for a minute, then sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have 10 thousand bombers, 20 thousand MiG 19 attack planes, my military complex is surrounded by laser-guidedsurface-to-air missile sites, and since we last spoke, my army has increased to 2 million."

"Faith and begorra!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back." Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Right Mr.Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy "We've all had a chat, and there's no way we can feed 2 million prisoners."

Irish Blonde Joke

Maggie, a stunning Irish Blonde came home from work only to find her naked husband lying on the bed puffing and panting. What's up?' she asks. 'I think I'm having a heart attack,' cries the husband....

 The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, 
'Mammy! Mammy! Aunty Shirley is hiding in your closet and she's got no clothes on!'

The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, rips open the closet door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.

'You rotten bitch, she screams. 'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!'

Parking in Dublin Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!' 

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

Summer in Dublin. You know it's summer in Dublin when the rain gets warmer.
Hal Roach

Irish Confessional

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after
years of being away from the Church. 
There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.
On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest 
cigars and chocolates. 
Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for
it's been a very long time since I've been to confession,
but I must first admit that the confessional box is much 
more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side." 

The Last Laugh-Irish Humor

Mick met Paddy in the street and said, "Paddy, will you draw your bedroom curtains before making love to your wife in the future?"

Bejaysus, why?" Paddy asked.

"Because," said Mick, "the whole street was laughing when they saw you two making love yesterday."

Paddy grinned and said, "Ha!... the laugh's on them... I wasn't home yesterday."

Not another Dumb Blonde

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty- thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'
The other answered,

'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

Ahhh Paddy!
Reserved for 
Fat Ass
Dumb Ass
Drunk off your ass
Smart Ass
Etc Etc
  “The Irish are unique you know - we can laugh at ourselves....” Hal Roach
Irish Eyes ® 725 Caroline Street, Fredericksburg, VA 22401

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